SUVs are such a Gas

The Arts, Etc.

SUVs are such a Gas

Bob Cohen

Now that roughly half of Earth’s oil reserves are floating in the Gulf of Mexico, soon to be swimming up the Mississippi River, I'm feeling nostalgic for the days of plentiful oil and mammoth SUVs.

When I first saw the Ford Explorer’s big brother, the Expedition, my eyes went wide. But when the Excursion arrived, which was the size of an armored assault vehicle, I was nearly apoplectic with joy.

I began to daydream of even bigger SUVs (the sort that would require a “Wide Load” sign when travelling on the highway) in case I needed to transport a grand piano or several tons of clean fill over rough terrain.

I eagerly imagined what Ford had in mind for the future -- as size expanded exponentionally: the Exaggeration, the Excavation, the Excelsior, the Excessive, the Exemplary (voted the best in its class), and the Exceptionally Gigantic.

Several models would be aimed at specific markets. For example, the Exfoliation and the Exemption (named for its flagrant violation of all things environmental) would be targeted to loggers from the Northwest.

In the next model year, Ford would offer the Excedrin (adept at calmly maneuvering in traffic jams, and giving headaches to other drivers), and the Expletive Deleted (this model would help reduce road rage).

My ultimate fantasy was the Exultation. When not being used to convey me back and forth on my short commute to work, it would serve nicely as a full-size motor home, or as a tractor trailer. I could then moonlight hauling steel girders, generating that extra income I would need, what with this puppy getting only ½ mile per gallon on the highway. Of course, your mileage might vary.

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Bob Cohen is a local businessman in Western Massachusetts. He has always had the desire to write fiction and finally he is scratching that itch. He doesn't expect he'll ever write The Great American Novel, but he's not ruling it out.

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