Bears In Court
The real story about Goldilocks
By Donald R. Scott
The courtroom was jammed. It filled up as soon as the deputies, hovering like alert meerkats, unlocked the doors. The section reserved for the media morphed into an aviary swarming with mynabirds, cockatoos, wise owls and parakeets. They held pads and pencils, eager to begin transcribing the procedures of the infamous trial that would commence at any moment.
In one section of the gallery clustered the family and friends of the plaintiff and his family: Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear and their friends Smokey, Yogi, Teddy, Polar, Ursa Major and Minor.
Goldilocks, the accused, sat at a long table with her defense lawyer, Jessica Fletcher, who had come down from Cabot, Maine to handle the case. A door at the left of the court opened and Pogo, the Clerk of Courts, entered. He faced the spectators and announced, with a hint of a Southern drawl, "Y'all rise."
Through the same door entered the judge wearing a black robe trimmed with a white lacy collar - Judge Judy, serious of mien, her unsmiling eyes missing nothing. There would be no outbursts or interruptions in her courtroom. No sir! Yes ma'am!
With as loud a voice as Pogo could summon, he declared, "Oh yez, oh yez. The Fourth District Court of Sherwood Forest is now in session. Case number, BS101, the Government versus Goldilocks will now be heard. Please, be seated."
Judge Judy nodded to Pogo. "You may bring in the jury."
Pogo opened another door to admit a marshal, the tall, green Albert the Alligator. Following him in single file were the jury members - Snow White and seven dwarfs. The panel of eight for this trial took their seats on the hard wooden chairs. Apparently Snow White was designated as Forewoman because she sat in the first chair.
Judge Judy nodded to the prosecutor's table. "Opening remarks, please."
Ben Matlock, the Assistant District Attorney of Sherwood Forest, approached the attentive jurors. From ear to ear, he smiled a big toothy grin. "I'm not goin' to take too much of your time. This will be over so quick that my partner, Don Knotts, aint even gonna be here. Good ole Don told me the facts are so clear that.... that.... that lil gal sittin' over there," he pointed to Goldilocks who was intently coloring with crayons in a book, "is all dang get out guilty of breakin' in and messin' up the quaint cottage of that fine Grizzly Bear family." He smirked, smugly pleased with himself, and returned to his seat.
Judge Judy directed her attention to the Defense Attorney and smiled a warm welcome to a fellow female. "Jessica, do you have an opening statement?"
Jessica rose, comfortable with the confidence earned during her long, successful career. "Your Honor, this sweet, little, darling, cute and lovable child is innocent. I shall call witnesses to prove that she had nothing to do with the goings-on in the Bear household on that dreadful day but rather the willful destruction was committed by an entirely different and guilty party."
Judge Judy said, "Government, you may begin."
Matlock stood. "The Prosecution calls its first witness, Tomasina Turtle." After an uncomfortably long wait, and no witness appeared, a marshal was directed to look for her. He returned promptly and announced, "The witness is coming; she's making her way down the corridor."
"We'll proceed," said Judge Judy.
"Prosecution calls the Gingerbread Man." Instead of the witness appearing, a loud belch burbled up from the Bears' section. Spectators swivelled to see the Bears munching on arms and legs and other parts of what had been the Gingerbread Man.
Assistant District Attorney Matlock gulped. "Ah, well, um, the Prosecution calls Mr. Pinocchio."
A smallish, stiff-jointed figure dressed in Alpine clothing approached the stand to be sworn in. Pogo asked, "Do you solemnly swear to tell the whole truth," and before he could finish his oath, Mr. Pinocchio's nose grew straight out of his face and didn't stop until it knocked the eyeglasses off Pogo's face. Mr. Pinocchio was quickly dismissed by the Judge and a new witness was called. When the court stenographer couldn't fit the witness's name on the narrow paper of her recording machine, another of the prosecution's key witnesses was dismissed. His name was Rumpelstiltskin.
Unfazed, prosecutor Matlock continued. "I request that the marshal check again on the progress of Ms. Turtle's journey to the courtroom while I call my next witness -- not one, not two, but three brothers who were living in the Bear household at the time of its trashing and who can describe the travesty committed by that person over there." He pointed to Goldilocks who was vigorously scribbling in her book with a burnt orange crayon.
"I call the three Mouse Brothers to the stand."
Three mice, dressed in top hats, tails and sunglassses, tapped their way with white canes to the front of the courtroom.
"Names?" they were asked.
"Larry, Curly, Moe," they answered in squeaky unison.
Stumbling, falling over the jury box rail, bouncing off Judge Judy's bench, they had to be assisted to the witness stand. When asked to point out the defendant Goldilocks in the courtroom, all three mice sat as if they were deaf until one pointed the red tip of his white cane in the direction of Judge Judy. "There she is!" he cried. "I'd recognize that ugly, mean face anywhere."
Judge Judy was furious. She screamed, "Get them out of here. They're as blind as bats!"
From the aviary in the media section of the gallery, a large black bat swooped up, flittering and soaring around the courtroom, squeaking, "I am not blind! I can see as good as anybody, day or night, you old crow!" and to prove it, he flew into a tall window and stunned, fell to the floor. The marshal, Albert Alligator, poked with his staff at the bat's wings. The bat did not move.
Judge Judy called for a sidebar. "Listen," she hissed at the lawyers, "Get that thing moving or I'm going to declare a mistrial." She glared at Matlock. "And if you don't get somebody on that witness stand within the next five minutes, I'll have you out painting park benches. Now, get at it!"
Finally, the prosecution had a witness sworn in, seated in the witness box and ready to answer questions from Ben Matlock.
"Your name is Jack?"
"Yes, sir."
"Occupation?"
"Farmer."
"What do you raise, or grow?"
"Beans."
"What kind of beans?"
"Tall ones."
"Describe what you saw on the day that the house of the Grizzly Bear family was allegedly vandalized."
"I live with my mother next door to the Bears and I was outside picking beans when I saw that girl," he pointed at Goldilocks, "running from their yard."
"That's all? You saw her running? Just running? You didn't see her inside the house, doing something inside?"
"No, sir, just outside running away from the house."
Matlock sighed. "No more questions, your honor."
Judge Judy turned towards the defense. "Your witness, Jessica," Judge Judy announced. Sweetly.
Jessica Fletcher responded. "I have no questions for that witness but I'd like to call Eddie the Eagle to the stand."
A large, handsome American Bald Eagle was sworn in. Perched proudly on the witness box, his keen, see-everything eyes swept the courtroom, noting every detail.
"May I call you Eddie, Mr. Eagle?" Jessica purred.
"Sure, that's okay. Some people even call me Hawkeye, but I don't mind."
"Would you tell us where you were and your activity on the day the Bears' house was ransacked? Did you see Goldilocks enter or leave the house as claimed by the prosecution?"
"I was making lazy circles in the sky, as usual, keeping my eyes alert for activity in the yard around where the Bears lived. I knew they had three blind mice in that house and I was waiting for one of them to come outside."
"And, what else? Did you see Goldilocks at all?"
"I saw her walk through the wood up to the house and peek in a couple of windows and then go away."
"Are you testifying she never went in, that she was never in the house?"
"Correct."
"What else did you see, after she left?"
"I saw the Big Bad Wolf and Red Riding Hood, holding hands, go in the front door."
"Now, while you were flying around outside, were you able to see into the house, you know, through one of the windows?"
"Oh yes, I saw them grab each other and pile onto a small bed."
"And?"
"I had to circle around the house and when I came back, they were in a different bed, a larger one."
"What were they doing? Anything?"
"I couldn't tell, but I was curious. So, instead of making another circle, I made a chandelle to the right and came back."
"A chandelle?"
"It's a quick climbing, looping turn, either to the left or right. It's a fighter plane pilot's maneuver. I learned it from Eddie Rickenbacker."
A buzz ran through the courtroom. In a back row, a World War 2 veteran fighter pilot puffed up with pride. Two college freshmen on a Criminal Justice assignment looked at each other. "Who is Eddie Rickenbacker?" Judge Judy snapped out of her reverie to bang the gavel. "Order, ORDER in MY courtroom!"
Yes ma'm!
The Defense Attorney cleared her throat. "Mr. Eagle, please continue."
"Well, when I looked in the window, they were hugging together and bouncing around on a much larger bed until it broke and all this water gushed out, like a damn breaking, and made a big, soggy mess of everything."
"Really? That's quite interesting. So, to sum up your testimony: you never saw Goldilocks enter or leave the Bears' house, she was just on the outside, and you saw both the Big Bad Wolf and Red Riding Hood romping around inside the house and wildly inflicting damage on the property."
"Yes, ma'm. That's correct."
"Thank you. You may step down. Your Honor, the Defense rests." Jessica beamed at the Assistant District Attorney.
Eddie the Eagle flapped his huge wings and hopped onto the front of the witness box. He looked up at Judge Judy, then down to Goldilocks and her coloring book, and then at Snow White and the seven dwarfs, and finally out to the packed galleries on the left and on the right.
"Everything I have said is the truth, and most of all, I am proud to be an American!" He stretched his enormous wings, extending them to the limit of their tendons.
The courtroom erupted in wild applause. Unnoticed was the passing of a note from Snow White, the Forewoman, to a tall stork, the court's bridge man. He took the folded paper in the tip of his long beak and passed it up to Judge Judy who read the note without expression, and handed it back to the bridge man. He turned, faced the gallery, put on his glasses, and read the note's contents.
"On all charges, we the Jury unanimously find the defendant, Goldilocks, not guilty on all counts."
A jubilant Jessica Fletcher hugged little, adorable, endearing Goldilocks who continued picking through her box of crayons searching for a lime green.
Judge Judy's composure was compromised by her frantic efforts to restore order. The laughing, clapping and cheering crowd burst from the courtroom. She motioned to a bailiff. "Find this Big Bad Wolf and that slut, Red Riding Hood, and serve them subpoenas to appear in this court on Friday of this week."
Attempting to make her way through the doorway jammed with exiting spectators was Tomasina Turtle. She was confused by the raucous celebration.
"Am I too late? Did I miss something?" she asked of anyone who might respond.
"You sure did! It's all over. Where have you been? They kept looking for you. What took you so long?
"I was pulling on my new sweater. It covers up my neck and my double chin. How do you like it? Do you think it makes me look fat?"
~~~~~~~~
Since retiring from a career in industrial sales, Don Scott has transferred his energy to writing fiction and nonfiction pieces. Many have been published by small presses and delighted fellow members of a creative writing group. He lives in New England with his wife with whom he enjoys their four adult children, ten grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.
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